2008

It was a great year!

The Low Points:

1) Increasing tension amongst friends
2) Breaking up
3) Shingles

The High Points:

1) Increasing tension amongst friends (sticking up for myself)
2) Breaking up (working through the issues)
3) Shingles (learning to slow down)

4) Jeans got tighter
5) Performing again
6) Getting back to school
7) Screenwriting
8) Opening up to grandma
More later........

Have a safe night world!

Reconciliation.

I am terrified of going down that path again and ending up more damaged than last time.

I've been living in a fantasy this week.

I have been remembering the good in it.

It wasn't until I contacted him again, that I began to remember the negative aspects of the past year.
It always felt like a struggle for affection.
Is this an issue of my own, or is this really not the right thing for me?

Maybe I need more time.

Maybe I need to be rid of it all together.

After all of this, what is left to say?

I'm afraid.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I really hate them.
Sometimes I detest them.

Sometimes I'd prefer to never have met them.


Sometimes I'd also prefer to live in a box shut off from the world.
It just seems easier.

Shut up.

Anxiety.

I only have two more classes this week. I am so happy about it. I did well this semester, but it was an easy one. School will only become more challenging from here on out.

It was so fun hanging with Dave this weekend. I told him I would consider moving out to L.A. when I finished with school. We are going to start a band. This is going to happen!

I am so anxious about doing my presentations this week. I have been living with Panic Disorder for about six years now. Panic has made performing a big challenge for me. I get so sick when I feel anticipation for a performance or presentation. My symptoms include vomiting, coughing, dry mouth, and stomach discomfort. I hate it. I am nervous about tomorrow morning. I am afraid to stand up in front of the class.

The funny thing is that I always do well no matter how anxious I get. I am dreaming of living a life free from the discomfort of anxiety and panic. The adrenaline rush does make me a better performer; I have to remember this.
I will be ok tomorrow morning in front of the class.

I can let go of the pressure I place upon myself to be the best at everything.
I can't even describe how much stress I feel in these moments.
I am going to let it go.
I am going to be calm.
I am going to do well no matter what happens tomorrow.
I am.
I will.
I can be free of the stress.
I am only one person.
I deserve to let myself exist without this quest for perfection.
I can just be.

P.S. I saw him today, and I was alright. I guess this is growing up.

Boredom.

I am so bored tonight.
Someone rescue me.

I aced this semester, and now this new lack of homework is driving me crazy.

Ben Folds Five's "Kate," is a great song.

I am hungry.

This post is amazing.

"I Know" Fiona Apple

I always feel sad on Sundays.
We used to hang out on Sundays undisturbed.
It wasn't much, but it was enough.

The live version of "I Know" by Fiona Apple is fantastic.
It's a really nice song. It is especially nice for break ups.

Ugh, what's love got to do with it anyway?
Is it really necessary?
Why does every person everywhere seek it?
Why is it at the forefront of our minds?

Is this just my perception of humanity's desire for love?

No one wants to be alone.
Right?

I have so much homework, but I can't focus.

I started a fantastic new project at the radio station today.
I interviewed my grandma regarding her life experience as a Mexican-American woman in Tucson.
It was incredible to hear her speak.
I believe in this project with all my heart.
I hope to use it for a future broadcast.

In the interview she discussed a fear that she feels has been instilled into Mexican-American people for generations.
A fear of inferiority.
This inferiority has been historically "taught" to Mexican-Americans since the U.S. took over the Southwest.
Institutionalized discrimination.
Racism.


American history seems all to painful to digest sometimes.
How is it possible to be proud when so many people lost everything because of their ethnicity/race/cultural background?

I am driven to continue to try and establish myself in this world.
I do not solely represent myself; I represent mi familia.
The ground work of the civil rights movement has been set in place for us.
Let's continue.
My success is one step closer to breaking down any existing barriers for Mexican-Americans.
I want to make my family proud.

I could write forever about this...

Grandma also talked about the promise and potential of JFK and how it relates to that of Obama.

I love my grandma.
I will have this interview to cherish for my life time.

Fiona Apple feels so good right now.

Angry Phase and The Rosebuds.

I have totally entered angry phase this week.

When I come down from this anger, I just feel humiliated.

I feel embarrassment, because I gave all of myself to someone who didn't seem to want it in the first place.
All I have are my perceptions of this past year.
I will never know how or what he truly felt for me.
The actions didn't seem to express that much.

I used to wonder why he didn't seem to want to invite me places.
I used to feel so mad when he would leave me for another place or crowd on nights out together.
Embarrassing.
He didn't want to be with me.
How could I have not seen that for an entire year?
I was blinded by my ambition to make it work.
Maybe it wasn't ambition, but desperation.

I'm angry again.

It's hard to not feel like I wasted a year of myself.
Really hard.
Fuck relationships.

By the way, The Rosebuds new album is wonderful.
I highly suggest the song "Border Guards."
They played a fantastic show at Solar Culture.
I took video of "Nice Fox."
My roomie and I also danced with them.
They were super sweet.
The Rosebuds are a band that I will continue to support for many years.

School.

I have sooooooooo much work to get done within the next two weeks.
I am going to finish.
Hell yes.
Straight A's or bust.

I really want a scholarship.
If I work hard enough, I know it will be possible.
I really love school; I always feel so confident in school.
I love it.

Oh relationships. No matter how well I am doing the thought of being happy and in love creeps back into my brain.
I just don't think it is possible for me to really be happy in a relationship.
How does one create happiness from unhappiness?
Does a magical person really come along and change us?
Do they make us suddenly better people?

I just don't see it.
My family life is a mess.
It affects how I view relationships.
I am co-dependent.
I am obsessive sometimes.
It just doesn't feel right.

I keep believing that when I come to a state of happiness within myself (and within my family life) a companion will find me.

Then again, I feel like that place is so unattainable right now.
Who knows?
Back to homework.

Direction.

Please stop making us suffer for your fucked up marriage.

Please stop making your children suffer for your fucked up marriage.

We are learning hate, fear, resentment, disrespect, and abuse.

Please just stop.


I have learned positive things from you two, but the negativity is consuming us all.

Cycles repeat.

Cycles also end.

Its about about a choice, ...
and in this case it is about risks.

I wonder if she will ever do it?
Risk her home for freedom.

Feliz Dia de Accion de Gracias.

Happy Thanksgiving Day World.

It's a Wonderful Life.

I feel lousy today. My head hurts. I hate blogging negativity in this, but I have to clear my head.
I had an odd dream. I dreamt I was in a car with a past love of mine (it was brief but meaningful to me). I drove the car for the two of us. I knew where I wanted to take us, but I was unable to see the highway clearly. I missed every exit. My youngest brother was with us, but he was a toddler in this dream. At one point that past love of mine held my hand and leaned on me. It was sincere, but it continued to obstruct my view of the road. My baby brother flew out the window when we tried to get him in an appropriate car seat. Scary. I managed to grab a tab on his diaper and pull him back in the car. I strapped him down in a seat belt on my lap. Eventually the 3 of us ended up in Las Vegas. I remember saying, "If we had money we could get a room, " and it happened somehow. Once we were in the room, the past love in question and I attempted to be intimate to make up for lost time. My little brother interrupted anything from happening when he entered the room choking on a marker top. I performed light abdominal thrusts on him and he vomited a blue liquid. I then reached into his mouth and pulled the top from inside. I saved him again.
My brain is an odd an emotional place. I frequently have dreams about people I have dated involving cars. However, the dreams typically involve the car being unable to work properly or exploding. I have always taken this as my subconscious telling me that the relationship can go nowhere and to move on. In this last dream the car worked. I didn't know where to go, but we got somewhere. That somewhere (Vegas) was a place I didn't want to be, and I was constantly forced to save a child (my baby brother in this case). There are the answers, right? i don't know. I do know that I went to bed thinking about this person again. I was actually worried about the situation, because I still have feelings for this person. I am just not sure if its right. Dreams speak volumes sometimes.
The last car-relationship dream I had was of someone else from the past. In this case I drove a luxury SUV (me?) that continued to break down. We went nowhere.
Another dream at another time with a different person included a car with no wheels. Again, that one went nowhere.
The scariest car-relationship dream involved the first person I ever tried to date. I was 18 when I had this first experience. I remember being really hurt by this situation. In this dream this person sat in a giant yellow school bus. I attempted to bang on the window to get this passenger's attention and warn of an oncoming disaster. No one heard me. The bus then drove onto an intertwining freeway that was raised above the ocean. The bus caught fire then crashed through a freeway wall plummeting into the sea. Devastation. This romantic experience was reflected very well in this dream. Haha.

How much power does our subconscious posses? Do we really have all the answers deep within ourselves?

I woke up today upset by this dream. I guess I feel alright now.
I just hate being alone.
I am alright though.

6th Avenue Heartache by the Wallflowers

I don't understand it.

Sometimes I really miss what I had, like now. Nothing makes it seem easier.

However, once the pleasant memories subside, I remember why it wasn't the best situation for me to be in.

He seemed absent

...even when he was sitting next to me.

I don't know what to do or say about it.

We don't talk.
Is it really easier this way?

Bumming.

I'm home alone, that's right! I'm having a beer. I hope you ain't got no problem with that.

I miss my friends from a few years ago. I miss CMR and the fun we used to have. I used to feel so protective of him. I don't see him anymore. I miss Evans. I miss telling her secrets on the porch. Calling them up to catch up and hang again wont fix how I feel tonight; I miss how things used to be. I miss feeling young and crazed even if it meant we drank too much. It was always about us having fun and having each other.

I'm single. It is odd. I have spent the last two years of my life trying to communicate my feelings with another person. No matter how hard either one of us ever tried, we still remained strangers to each other. I'm over it. Communication is gay (no offense). I'm hanging out alone a lot right now. I actually feel happy sometimes. I have only had a few rough nights.

I have accomplished a couple goals of mine this year. Last year I wanted to become a DJ. This year I have my very own show (two in fact). I am proud of myself. I just hope I learn to relax and enjoy it. I also went back to school. School is the one place where I feel absolutely incredible about myself. The feeling of inspiration had been absent for far too long before this. I am still making it on my own, and I am still alive. Even my family life is improving. Amen. Now if I can just find a good therapist I will be unstoppable. Haha. I'm funny.

Screenwriting is like a dream. I love it very much.

I wonder how all my past loves are?

Ra Ra Riot!

Ra Ra Riot was fantastic last night at Plush, ...
although Wes had been rumored to be having vocal problems. The band didn't get to perform for the Live at 5 spot on KXCI earlier in the day because of this, but Wes sounded very good for the show.
My favorite song of the night was "Oh La" (this is also my favorite song on their new album). The violin and cello parts really make this song for me.
The band was very energetic. They were also polite when I asked for a couple signatures on my CD.

SO GOOD.
I'm late for class.
Gotta Run!
JJM

Foals!

I have recently stumbled upon a fantastic album, titled Antidotes, from UK band Foals. I highly recommend this album to anyone who is interested in independent, experimental, and at times danceable rock bands. The premiere track in my opinion would have to be Olympic Airways. This song has a fantastic bass line (it makes my feet want to move) and an erupting bridge that stirs up a great deal of Indie-Rock Defiance. I am a sucker for anything of Dance-Rock Flavor, and this song does suffice. Other standouts include Big Big Love (fig. 2) and Red Socks Pugie.

The band is currently on tour in Europe. No further North American tour dates have been announced at the moment (they were in the U.S. earlier this year). Too bad I missed them; these guys are deffinitely at the top of my "Shows to see" list. Good luck to these boys, and check out there album!

http://www.wearefoals.com/

Jaime J.