2008

It was a great year!

The Low Points:

1) Increasing tension amongst friends
2) Breaking up
3) Shingles

The High Points:

1) Increasing tension amongst friends (sticking up for myself)
2) Breaking up (working through the issues)
3) Shingles (learning to slow down)

4) Jeans got tighter
5) Performing again
6) Getting back to school
7) Screenwriting
8) Opening up to grandma
More later........

Have a safe night world!

Reconciliation.

I am terrified of going down that path again and ending up more damaged than last time.

I've been living in a fantasy this week.

I have been remembering the good in it.

It wasn't until I contacted him again, that I began to remember the negative aspects of the past year.
It always felt like a struggle for affection.
Is this an issue of my own, or is this really not the right thing for me?

Maybe I need more time.

Maybe I need to be rid of it all together.

After all of this, what is left to say?

I'm afraid.

Sometimes.

Sometimes I really hate them.
Sometimes I detest them.

Sometimes I'd prefer to never have met them.


Sometimes I'd also prefer to live in a box shut off from the world.
It just seems easier.

Shut up.

Anxiety.

I only have two more classes this week. I am so happy about it. I did well this semester, but it was an easy one. School will only become more challenging from here on out.

It was so fun hanging with Dave this weekend. I told him I would consider moving out to L.A. when I finished with school. We are going to start a band. This is going to happen!

I am so anxious about doing my presentations this week. I have been living with Panic Disorder for about six years now. Panic has made performing a big challenge for me. I get so sick when I feel anticipation for a performance or presentation. My symptoms include vomiting, coughing, dry mouth, and stomach discomfort. I hate it. I am nervous about tomorrow morning. I am afraid to stand up in front of the class.

The funny thing is that I always do well no matter how anxious I get. I am dreaming of living a life free from the discomfort of anxiety and panic. The adrenaline rush does make me a better performer; I have to remember this.
I will be ok tomorrow morning in front of the class.

I can let go of the pressure I place upon myself to be the best at everything.
I can't even describe how much stress I feel in these moments.
I am going to let it go.
I am going to be calm.
I am going to do well no matter what happens tomorrow.
I am.
I will.
I can be free of the stress.
I am only one person.
I deserve to let myself exist without this quest for perfection.
I can just be.

P.S. I saw him today, and I was alright. I guess this is growing up.

Boredom.

I am so bored tonight.
Someone rescue me.

I aced this semester, and now this new lack of homework is driving me crazy.

Ben Folds Five's "Kate," is a great song.

I am hungry.

This post is amazing.

"I Know" Fiona Apple

I always feel sad on Sundays.
We used to hang out on Sundays undisturbed.
It wasn't much, but it was enough.

The live version of "I Know" by Fiona Apple is fantastic.
It's a really nice song. It is especially nice for break ups.

Ugh, what's love got to do with it anyway?
Is it really necessary?
Why does every person everywhere seek it?
Why is it at the forefront of our minds?

Is this just my perception of humanity's desire for love?

No one wants to be alone.
Right?

I have so much homework, but I can't focus.

I started a fantastic new project at the radio station today.
I interviewed my grandma regarding her life experience as a Mexican-American woman in Tucson.
It was incredible to hear her speak.
I believe in this project with all my heart.
I hope to use it for a future broadcast.

In the interview she discussed a fear that she feels has been instilled into Mexican-American people for generations.
A fear of inferiority.
This inferiority has been historically "taught" to Mexican-Americans since the U.S. took over the Southwest.
Institutionalized discrimination.
Racism.


American history seems all to painful to digest sometimes.
How is it possible to be proud when so many people lost everything because of their ethnicity/race/cultural background?

I am driven to continue to try and establish myself in this world.
I do not solely represent myself; I represent mi familia.
The ground work of the civil rights movement has been set in place for us.
Let's continue.
My success is one step closer to breaking down any existing barriers for Mexican-Americans.
I want to make my family proud.

I could write forever about this...

Grandma also talked about the promise and potential of JFK and how it relates to that of Obama.

I love my grandma.
I will have this interview to cherish for my life time.

Fiona Apple feels so good right now.

Angry Phase and The Rosebuds.

I have totally entered angry phase this week.

When I come down from this anger, I just feel humiliated.

I feel embarrassment, because I gave all of myself to someone who didn't seem to want it in the first place.
All I have are my perceptions of this past year.
I will never know how or what he truly felt for me.
The actions didn't seem to express that much.

I used to wonder why he didn't seem to want to invite me places.
I used to feel so mad when he would leave me for another place or crowd on nights out together.
Embarrassing.
He didn't want to be with me.
How could I have not seen that for an entire year?
I was blinded by my ambition to make it work.
Maybe it wasn't ambition, but desperation.

I'm angry again.

It's hard to not feel like I wasted a year of myself.
Really hard.
Fuck relationships.

By the way, The Rosebuds new album is wonderful.
I highly suggest the song "Border Guards."
They played a fantastic show at Solar Culture.
I took video of "Nice Fox."
My roomie and I also danced with them.
They were super sweet.
The Rosebuds are a band that I will continue to support for many years.

School.

I have sooooooooo much work to get done within the next two weeks.
I am going to finish.
Hell yes.
Straight A's or bust.

I really want a scholarship.
If I work hard enough, I know it will be possible.
I really love school; I always feel so confident in school.
I love it.

Oh relationships. No matter how well I am doing the thought of being happy and in love creeps back into my brain.
I just don't think it is possible for me to really be happy in a relationship.
How does one create happiness from unhappiness?
Does a magical person really come along and change us?
Do they make us suddenly better people?

I just don't see it.
My family life is a mess.
It affects how I view relationships.
I am co-dependent.
I am obsessive sometimes.
It just doesn't feel right.

I keep believing that when I come to a state of happiness within myself (and within my family life) a companion will find me.

Then again, I feel like that place is so unattainable right now.
Who knows?
Back to homework.