Please stop making us suffer for your fucked up marriage.
Please stop making your children suffer for your fucked up marriage.
We are learning hate, fear, resentment, disrespect, and abuse.
Please just stop.
I have learned positive things from you two, but the negativity is consuming us all.
Cycles repeat.
Cycles also end.
Its about about a choice, ...
and in this case it is about risks.
I wonder if she will ever do it?
Risk her home for freedom.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
It's a Wonderful Life.
I feel lousy today. My head hurts. I hate blogging negativity in this, but I have to clear my head.
I had an odd dream. I dreamt I was in a car with a past love of mine (it was brief but meaningful to me). I drove the car for the two of us. I knew where I wanted to take us, but I was unable to see the highway clearly. I missed every exit. My youngest brother was with us, but he was a toddler in this dream. At one point that past love of mine held my hand and leaned on me. It was sincere, but it continued to obstruct my view of the road. My baby brother flew out the window when we tried to get him in an appropriate car seat. Scary. I managed to grab a tab on his diaper and pull him back in the car. I strapped him down in a seat belt on my lap. Eventually the 3 of us ended up in Las Vegas. I remember saying, "If we had money we could get a room, " and it happened somehow. Once we were in the room, the past love in question and I attempted to be intimate to make up for lost time. My little brother interrupted anything from happening when he entered the room choking on a marker top. I performed light abdominal thrusts on him and he vomited a blue liquid. I then reached into his mouth and pulled the top from inside. I saved him again.
My brain is an odd an emotional place. I frequently have dreams about people I have dated involving cars. However, the dreams typically involve the car being unable to work properly or exploding. I have always taken this as my subconscious telling me that the relationship can go nowhere and to move on. In this last dream the car worked. I didn't know where to go, but we got somewhere. That somewhere (Vegas) was a place I didn't want to be, and I was constantly forced to save a child (my baby brother in this case). There are the answers, right? i don't know. I do know that I went to bed thinking about this person again. I was actually worried about the situation, because I still have feelings for this person. I am just not sure if its right. Dreams speak volumes sometimes.
The last car-relationship dream I had was of someone else from the past. In this case I drove a luxury SUV (me?) that continued to break down. We went nowhere.
Another dream at another time with a different person included a car with no wheels. Again, that one went nowhere.
The scariest car-relationship dream involved the first person I ever tried to date. I was 18 when I had this first experience. I remember being really hurt by this situation. In this dream this person sat in a giant yellow school bus. I attempted to bang on the window to get this passenger's attention and warn of an oncoming disaster. No one heard me. The bus then drove onto an intertwining freeway that was raised above the ocean. The bus caught fire then crashed through a freeway wall plummeting into the sea. Devastation. This romantic experience was reflected very well in this dream. Haha.
How much power does our subconscious posses? Do we really have all the answers deep within ourselves?
I woke up today upset by this dream. I guess I feel alright now.
I just hate being alone.
I am alright though.
I had an odd dream. I dreamt I was in a car with a past love of mine (it was brief but meaningful to me). I drove the car for the two of us. I knew where I wanted to take us, but I was unable to see the highway clearly. I missed every exit. My youngest brother was with us, but he was a toddler in this dream. At one point that past love of mine held my hand and leaned on me. It was sincere, but it continued to obstruct my view of the road. My baby brother flew out the window when we tried to get him in an appropriate car seat. Scary. I managed to grab a tab on his diaper and pull him back in the car. I strapped him down in a seat belt on my lap. Eventually the 3 of us ended up in Las Vegas. I remember saying, "If we had money we could get a room, " and it happened somehow. Once we were in the room, the past love in question and I attempted to be intimate to make up for lost time. My little brother interrupted anything from happening when he entered the room choking on a marker top. I performed light abdominal thrusts on him and he vomited a blue liquid. I then reached into his mouth and pulled the top from inside. I saved him again.
My brain is an odd an emotional place. I frequently have dreams about people I have dated involving cars. However, the dreams typically involve the car being unable to work properly or exploding. I have always taken this as my subconscious telling me that the relationship can go nowhere and to move on. In this last dream the car worked. I didn't know where to go, but we got somewhere. That somewhere (Vegas) was a place I didn't want to be, and I was constantly forced to save a child (my baby brother in this case). There are the answers, right? i don't know. I do know that I went to bed thinking about this person again. I was actually worried about the situation, because I still have feelings for this person. I am just not sure if its right. Dreams speak volumes sometimes.
The last car-relationship dream I had was of someone else from the past. In this case I drove a luxury SUV (me?) that continued to break down. We went nowhere.
Another dream at another time with a different person included a car with no wheels. Again, that one went nowhere.
The scariest car-relationship dream involved the first person I ever tried to date. I was 18 when I had this first experience. I remember being really hurt by this situation. In this dream this person sat in a giant yellow school bus. I attempted to bang on the window to get this passenger's attention and warn of an oncoming disaster. No one heard me. The bus then drove onto an intertwining freeway that was raised above the ocean. The bus caught fire then crashed through a freeway wall plummeting into the sea. Devastation. This romantic experience was reflected very well in this dream. Haha.
How much power does our subconscious posses? Do we really have all the answers deep within ourselves?
I woke up today upset by this dream. I guess I feel alright now.
I just hate being alone.
I am alright though.
Friday, November 21, 2008
6th Avenue Heartache by the Wallflowers
I don't understand it.
Sometimes I really miss what I had, like now. Nothing makes it seem easier.
However, once the pleasant memories subside, I remember why it wasn't the best situation for me to be in.
He seemed absent
...even when he was sitting next to me.
I don't know what to do or say about it.
We don't talk.
Is it really easier this way?
Sometimes I really miss what I had, like now. Nothing makes it seem easier.
However, once the pleasant memories subside, I remember why it wasn't the best situation for me to be in.
He seemed absent
...even when he was sitting next to me.
I don't know what to do or say about it.
We don't talk.
Is it really easier this way?
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Bumming.
I'm home alone, that's right! I'm having a beer. I hope you ain't got no problem with that.
I miss my friends from a few years ago. I miss CMR and the fun we used to have. I used to feel so protective of him. I don't see him anymore. I miss Evans. I miss telling her secrets on the porch. Calling them up to catch up and hang again wont fix how I feel tonight; I miss how things used to be. I miss feeling young and crazed even if it meant we drank too much. It was always about us having fun and having each other.
I'm single. It is odd. I have spent the last two years of my life trying to communicate my feelings with another person. No matter how hard either one of us ever tried, we still remained strangers to each other. I'm over it. Communication is gay (no offense). I'm hanging out alone a lot right now. I actually feel happy sometimes. I have only had a few rough nights.
I have accomplished a couple goals of mine this year. Last year I wanted to become a DJ. This year I have my very own show (two in fact). I am proud of myself. I just hope I learn to relax and enjoy it. I also went back to school. School is the one place where I feel absolutely incredible about myself. The feeling of inspiration had been absent for far too long before this. I am still making it on my own, and I am still alive. Even my family life is improving. Amen. Now if I can just find a good therapist I will be unstoppable. Haha. I'm funny.
Screenwriting is like a dream. I love it very much.
I wonder how all my past loves are?
I miss my friends from a few years ago. I miss CMR and the fun we used to have. I used to feel so protective of him. I don't see him anymore. I miss Evans. I miss telling her secrets on the porch. Calling them up to catch up and hang again wont fix how I feel tonight; I miss how things used to be. I miss feeling young and crazed even if it meant we drank too much. It was always about us having fun and having each other.
I'm single. It is odd. I have spent the last two years of my life trying to communicate my feelings with another person. No matter how hard either one of us ever tried, we still remained strangers to each other. I'm over it. Communication is gay (no offense). I'm hanging out alone a lot right now. I actually feel happy sometimes. I have only had a few rough nights.
I have accomplished a couple goals of mine this year. Last year I wanted to become a DJ. This year I have my very own show (two in fact). I am proud of myself. I just hope I learn to relax and enjoy it. I also went back to school. School is the one place where I feel absolutely incredible about myself. The feeling of inspiration had been absent for far too long before this. I am still making it on my own, and I am still alive. Even my family life is improving. Amen. Now if I can just find a good therapist I will be unstoppable. Haha. I'm funny.
Screenwriting is like a dream. I love it very much.
I wonder how all my past loves are?
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